How to recover from being “undercover” so long that you start to believe your cover.

Hello world! That’s a helluva title, isn’t it? LOL Reminds me of the film Unknown starring Liam Neeson. The film doesn’t really have that much to do with why I chose this title for this blog post or anything, though. I just realized there was a correlation between like this title, and the movie. I just was thinking about that as I was writing…and then decided to write what I was thinking, so…um…yeah…OK… *insert awkward throat-clearing sound here*

Moving on….

This title is really all about what I’ve been going through for the past year or so (the last time I had a blog post), including why I haven’t chosen to post anything to my blog in over a year, so of course, you know, I forgot the email address associated with this blog because nowadays we have 30 thousand email addresses of which we only use about two consistently, and so, yeah, it took some effort even getting to the point of adding this post.

But that’s really a good thing when I think about it. If it was that important to me to finish what I had started then I would have made it happen. And I did. For once or twice or so in my interesting life. So…hooray for me! *clears throat*

Moving on…

I’m recovering from being undercover. Yup. In one very literal and trivial sense, a part of my recovery is from not posting on my blog so that now, I’m posting. Great! What’s really been going on, however, is a recovery from the self that I’ve been showing the world for a while now, a self that is pretty much incongruent with the image of myself that I have on my “good days.”

This whole  being undercover thing, presenting a face to the world that allows the world to accept me, not for being who I am, but because I am something recognizable and tolerable to the world at large, is what I need to recover from (prepositions at the end of various sentences are gonna have to be OK for our purposes here, folks). Not only that, I’ve been undercover so long that for far too long I started to believe the lie that I presented to the world, in order to fit in with the world’s rules and preferences, and mess, sloppy mess, stinkier than horse manure….and that, my friends, is what you can categorize as insanity.

So, recovery…here’s how the OED would define recovery: “a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.” Normal for me is for me to listen to my heart, and put my rules and preferences above anyone else’s. That’s normal. A return to normal is a return to what makes me smile, makes me dance, makes me love, makes me generous and kind, makes me hopeful, makes me cry tears of joy, makes me fearless, makes me victorious.

In my return to normal, I figured I’d start this journey by returning to a passion that I once held, and that is the art of writing for therapeutic release. I started this blog to share my thoughts with whoever was willing to listen. Denying myself the opportunity to write what I feel is like depriving myself of oxygen. So perhaps this can also be called a resurrection, because I surely feel like I have finally risen from the dead!

Whatever is one’s process in life, one must trust this process. The only thing I would suggest is to listen to your inner voice, and allow that voice to guide you through life. That’s what I’ve committed to do from now until my physical being is no longer. It’s what makes me smile, makes me happy, makes me dance, and makes me kind. And I like those things. I like breathing.

Until next time,

Turn your cheek…so I can kiss it! *smooches*

References

Oxford Dictionaries (n.d.). Retrieved from http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/recovery?q=recovery

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