I am writing this blog entry nearly 6 months after I declared that I would add more blog entries to this site, get more consistent, stay focused on this project, and blah, blah, blah. Well, “being as though” (a term my mother said I used quite a bit as a teenager for whatever random reason) THAT hasn’t happened, and, in fact, the opposite has happened since it has been 6 months since my last entry, I decided that I would allow myself to be more accepting of my particular growth process.
Growth processes look different for different people. One of things I’ve had to decide is that “what’s good for the goose may not necessarily be good for the gander;” furthermore, a few of the geese may not even identify with being a part of the gander in the first place. I think I’m one of those geese.
I’ve always known that I was a bit “different” from other people, and I’m sure many of us can identify with this. I, however, didn’t really accept and value this inherent uniqueness: I considered myself a “freak of nature,” and did everything I could to mask this freak. I realized it was working when people would say to me, “Oh, I don’t think you’re weird. You seem pretty normal to me.” That’s when I knew my ploy had worked, but that I was only sinking into an even deeper, self-imposed hell because I was not being honest with my star player: Me.
Then life happened, and I started to get real, and I started asking myself difficult questions about who I am, what I believe, why I still hold on to resentments and anger about things that have taken place so long ago, and I became so preoccupied with this process, in an attempt to seriously get my sh*t together, that I began to care even less about what others thought of me. I just didn’t have the mental capacity to give an actual sh*t about that.
What I came to find and came to believe is that I had asked a few questions that have now opened up this portal to self-awareness, self-growth, and ultimately, service to others. I have also come to believe that this process doesn’t have to suck; to me, it’s this really cool, Avatar-ish, Neytiri-inspired (Neytiri, for those unfamiliar with the film Avatar, is one of the female protagonists played by actor Zoe Saldana) adventure filled with trials designed to train my mind, body, and spirit, as well as discoveries designed to satisfy the urges of my soul.
I’m becoming OK with my process, in other words. I realize that getting one’s sh*t together takes as long as it takes, and that is OK. In the meanwhile, I will continue to trust this process of growth, and invite others along to partake in the many discoveries that I make as I re-member who I am.
I look forward to sharing more of myself with others, and helping others along their life journeys in any way that I can.
Let the adventures begin………