So, I was perusing the web trying to make sense of some of my personal issues because after all, if the world wide web can’t help me patch my life together to become some recognizable, attractive whole then what’s the use?
I found this website that discussed abandonment issues, and it discussed how these issues show up differently for different people in their lives. The site then asked “How do abandonment issues show up in your life?” And then, this blog post was born.
As I was looking for images to include in this blog post, the common representation of abandonment was that of individuals covering up their faces, presumably in shame. While psychologists and psychotherapists may have a clinical treatment modality that they use for processing and understanding deep-seated abandonment issues and explaining the subsequent symptoms such as guilt and shame, I’d rather take a non-clinical approach to describing my personal identification with this phenomenon.
My childish mind, many, MANY moons ago, could not differentiate between illusions and reality (truth). The illusion is that I was unlovable because I had parents who, during my formative years, didn’t provide for my basic emotional needs, probably because I wasn’t worth it. The reality and truth is that I was, am, and will always be lovable because…well, just because. There is no reason for my being lovable, not the way human beings like to reason with things. Anyone who tries to tell me or anyone else anything opposite of the fact that all individuals are lovable simply because they breathe is telling a bold-faced lie, and do not believe it.
Seems like when you begin to believe the illusion, it’s then easier to believe the lies associated with the illusion. If illusion is the mother, lies are one of her children. Illusion is to lies as abandonment is to guilt and to shame. The lie is that children of abandonment are the cause of their abandonment, and should therefore feel guilty and shameful about it; it’s somehow their fault. They weren’t lovable enough, suggests lies. The illusion in my life was that I had one parent that didn’t love me, and another too busy looking in some other direction to really notice me and meet my needs. The truth is that I had two parents that loved me, but had their own deep-seated pains blocking their ability to express that love in a healthy manner.
How have abandonment issues shown up in my life? My abandonment issues have looked like several different things. They have come in the form of choosing situations that I knew I didn’t want to be committed to in the first place, thereby always leaving secure exits at various points within these situations. For instance, I knew that in my romantic relationships I didn’t trust anyone to stick around. No one in my life had ever really stuck around, and I’m really talking about the men in my life. So I would choose men that were these “throwaways” (perpetuating the spirit of abandonment), men that I knew I could have no real future with for one reason or another. Men I would, therefore, not have to be emotionally intimate with because they wouldn’t be around for long (in my mind, considering that I was subconsciously and repetitively creating this reality). Men I didn’t have to commit to, unless, of course, they wanted to commit to me.
Because while I was looking to protect myself from abandonment, I was also seeking to heal from my abandonment issues. I wanted someone to show me that they loved me, and loved me for real, and by having romantic love I believed I would be healed of my fear of abandonment and feelings of unworthiness. And because I was very needy of this, I was going to give a man hell during the entire ride. After all, with all of the disappointments in my life, men had to work hard to prove themselves to me. I was open to commitment, but only if the dude was going to worship me wholeheartedly. If he wasn’t willing to kiss my ass to prove to me that he loved me, well, then, he had to go. This happened over and over again, and the men did go. ALL of them.
My abandonment issues have shown up in my professional matters, too. I have abandoned projects left and right, citing one reason for not completing them or another. I have gone in with so much gusto and willingness to see projects through to the end, to their fruition, completion, but sometimes the end was simply that point at which I had decided that I was finished. This wasn’t true with everything, however; I did finish college, although it took me nearly 8 years (on and off, commitment/abandonment/commitment). I wrote a book but abandoned the self-publishing phase. I’ve sold different items and quit before I could determine whether the network marketing set-up was really advantageous or not. I could start something in a hot-minute; however, my finish was typically quite weak.
But see, when we’re talking about these kinds of issues, it’s important to view things from both perspectives. Because in my eyes, while I chose to abandon projects and have had several issues with commitment, I have chosen a commitment to the incompletion of things, and a commitment to holding on to things, ideas, experiences that no longer serve me. I can’t, or I won’t say that I have issues with commitment; I’d rather be more precise and state that I’ve chosen to stay committed to things that keep me stagnant, that perpetuate lack, that validate an old belief system of unworthiness. I’ve stayed committed to this level of thinking for quite some time. This is another facet of how my abandonment issues have shown up in my life.
What’s the point? Why bring any of this up? Well, because I realize there is power in death, in releasing things. With every death something else is reborn. As co-creator, I realize that I can take the death of this no-longer-useful aspect of myself and create the abundant, prosperous life that I was born to enjoy. Getting these issues out means being done with them if I really choose to be done with them. Sharing means no shame. Honesty is the first step in shifting my commitment from one of lack to one of abundance.
How do I fix this? Who the hell knows. I may not know how, but I know who. I’m nearing closer to God, and have witnessed His/Hers (that’s not important) miraculous works as He’s shown up and shown OUT with the miracles in my life this year alone. My walk has to be spiritually-based because these are spiritual maladies that I’m dealing with (my spirit of abandonment malady had about 5,000 babies. We’ll talk about a few of her children later). I have no idea what will manifest in the future besides the greatness that I already possess inside, now. Now it’s about fettering away these irrelevant details, and getting back to the truth. This promises to be one hell-of-a-ride as I journey to manifest my version of heaven.
Thanks for accompanying me on this leg of my adventure.
Abandonment issues? How have these shown up in your life? Please feel free to share in the comment box below.